DEAR SELF, UPON YOUR FIRST LECTURE

May 2008

Hi Gemma! I don’t want to freak you out too much, but this is a written message from your future self… in fact, it’s me from the not-too-distant future of 2017. I know that you are feeling a bit flat at the moment (literally, you are lying flat on your bed in your dingy share-house in Carlton with all the lights off), so I thought I’d take the time to drop you a quick line with basically a whole extra decade’s worth of accumulated wisdom and knowledge.

First of all: congratulations! You’ve just delivered your first ever lecture to a large group – or as we like to call them in the ‘biz, cohort - of students! What, it didn’t go well? It was a massive failure? You didn’t get through to them? You sucked as a lecturer? Well, it might not seem like it from your depressed - and as mentioned, decidedly sunken - perspective, but you have just taken an important step on the ladder of becoming an academic and lecturer. If you would desist for a moment in looking at me in that sulky way, I’ll be able to explain.

It felt like such an exciting opportunity, when the coordinator of that popular culture subject emailed you and asked if you’d be interested in giving a guest lecture, didn’t it? The topic was the exact same topic that you’ve been writing on for aeons with your PhD. It should be easy, huh? There was just that pesky little problem of your major anxiety with speaking in public to large audiences. And this was a lecture in a giant hall to a first year class: as big as it gets, right?

I’m here to say that it’s OK, Gemma… you’re not alone in that fear! In fact, it’s really almost a cliché that you’re afraid of audiences. Really, who isn’t on some level?

It wasn’t fair that you developed that terrible flu just a few days earlier from the stress, and lost most of the humanity and timbre from your voice. Don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I’m sure that there were even some assembled who would even prefer to hear from the female equivalent of Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget*.

I did admire your adorable strategy of troubleshooting the lecture for all extenuating circumstances, pre-empting any moment of spontaneity in the room. What was especially charming was how you wrote in “ad lib” moments so that it looked like you were going off-the-cuff, but really it was just a part of your tightly controlled script [INSERT: funny fact about Hollywood advertising, look at audience, pause for joke]. I’m sure it came across better than you think it did, despite that android voice of yours. Yes, yes, a little better than if Darth Vader went on the comedy circuit. Let’s just say that it will do for now. And yes, perhaps you were procrastinating just a little bit too much. It’d be great if every university student could hear a Gettysburg Address every time they step on campus, but in reality, you just need to be realistic with your goals. If you have some passion in the topic then it will show through to the students, I promise! But if you are up all night beforehand and desperately writing up content at T-minus two hours, it just isn’t going to be sustainable.

Yes, I know that it did feel lonely there at the lectern, but it is ridiculous how quickly you will learn to deal with this anxiety. You’ve never done anything like this before… sometimes it just doesn’t come naturally. Every time you lecture, you will get better at it. The nausea and the butterflies will disappear. You probably won’t believe me when I say this now, but it won’t be long before you will actively look forward to the beginning of semester so that you have the proverbial soapbox to gab on to the undergrads about research! In fact, soon the biggest problem will be in the closing of your mouth-trap! And it’s 2008. Smartphones are just making their way into the lecture rooms – look, soon getting student attention is going to be the hard thing to do. What’s a tablet? Oh, just wait and see! If you still don’t believe me, well, we can always blame tween Gemma for refusing to join the high school debating team, can’t we? And of course there is still patriarchal oppression! Best wishes,

Dr (←yes, you get your PhD!) Gemma Blackwood

* YouTube it. It was an exact copy.

Gemma Blackwood is a Communications Lecturer at Charles Darwin University in the School of Creative Arts and Humanities. She teaches professional writing, media and cultural theory, and foundations of media industries. See her occasional tweets at @Gemma_Blackwood or marvel at her incredible Instagram skills at @journeysofgem.